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Dr. Kristin Neff helped established self-compassion as a field of study in the early 2000s. Watch her powerful and practical TEDx Talk, “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion.” Notes from the talk and additional resources are listed below.

Notes from the talk

Self esteem is feeling good about yourself, and it arises by feeling special or better than others. Low self esteem leads to self-hatred, shame, and self-judgment. But high self-esteem leads to narcissism, bullying, and arrogance. Self esteem is also contingent on continuing success, and it abandons us when we experience failure.

In contrast, self-compassion has the benefits of high self-esteem without any of the drawbacks.

Self-compassion includes these three aspects:

1. Self-kindness. We treat ourselves as if we are a really good friend, with patience, support, empathy, and understanding.

2. Common humanity. We pay attention to: how am I the same as others? We are all imperfect, doing our best, worthy of love, and desire to be happy, respected, and live in peace.

3. Mindfulness. We are aware of what is arising in the present moment, and we turn towards it with curiosity and interest.

People fear that relating to themselves with self-compassion will undermine their motivation to achieve success. So they continue to administer harsh self-criticism to motivate themselves. While this may work in the short term, over time, this increases ones chances of becoming depressed, overwhelmed, and living in despair.

Research shows that self-compassion correlates with increased motivation, improved mental well-being, living a healthier lifestyle, and having better relationships. Self-compassion also helps us avoid the pitfalls of arrogance, comparing ourselves to others, arggression towards others, narcisism, and ignoring our faults.

When we have compassion for ourselves and others, we can see the suffering and respond with: What can I do to help? How can I support you?

For more information

1. Take the Mindfulness Fundamentals 3.0 course to learn more about living with self-compassion in your life.

2. Read Dr. Kristin Neff’s excellent book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

3. Explore the many resources and information at Dr. Neff’s website: self-compassion.org.